Self-confidence is based on self-efficacy and self-esteem, on who the child thinks he is, and on what he is able to do

The first very important principle to know is that there are two main things, blocks on which self-confidence is based on: self-efficacy and self-esteem. Self-esteem refers to who we think we are (for example I am pretty, I am clever, I am generous) and self-efficacy refers to what we think we are able to do. For example I can overcome my fears, I can walk on a top of a mountain, I can learn very fast. So when your child evaluates himself he looks on one hand at who he is, if he is loved, if he is important, useful. If he is appreciated at home or in his classroom. If he is a good looking person. And so on. On another hand your child also observes what he can do, what he is able to do. Can he draw or write nicely, can he swim faster then other kids, can he make his parents happy, can he reconciliate his family, is he able to do all those things that seem very important to him.

Self-confidence is the result of a construction based on both major events and ordinary tasks, ordinary, small actions, gestures

The second very important principle you need to know is that self-confidence is not something inborn, innate, is not something set in stone. Self-confidence is the result of a construction. In this construction contribute both major eventsand ordinary tasks, ordinary, small actions, gestures.  A won contest and also parents’s daily complaints. 

There is a strong link between fears and self-confidence

The last very important principle that I would like to talk about is the fact that there is a strong link between fears and self-confidence. Fears are generated by the anticipation that something or somebody may hurt us or put us in danger. A child which has poor self-confidence will tend to be a fearful child. That child does not trust his capabilities, his capacities. He thinks that he is not good enough to handle a difficult situation so, he will develop essentially running strategies. In front of a problem he will run away from it, he will avoid it. 

A child with a strong self-confidence , will have a healthy sense of caution and he will develop attack strategies. For example a child with strong self-confidence will fear lions because these animals are dangerous, but he will not fear to speak about them with his teacher, he will not fear to visit them at the zoo, he will not fear to take pictures of lions. Because the child which has a strong self-confidence thinks that he is good enough, he is able to manage this kind of situations. 

On another hand a child which experiments many fears and doesn’t receive enough and proper help from his parents, may encounter some traumatic events and can lose his self-confidence. 

« Memory… is the diary that we all carry about with us » (Oscar Wilde). 

As parents, we can help our child create in his memory happy and supporting anchors that will remind him his whole life that he is a winner. It sounds very technical and sophisticated, but in reality it is very easy! Many parents already do thisinstinctively! 

Principles :

1. Our memory retains emotionally charged events better than boring ones. It’s the emotional charge, not the importance of the information, which builds the strongest footprint in memory.

2. Pleasant events linked to positive emotions are usually better remembered than unpleasant ones.

3. An important part of a child’s self-confidence is based on all those experiences that he has set in his memory. A child who has a “bag” filled with pleasant memories, is advancing with more confidence in life and in himself.

When : 

• All the happy activities in which the child can show his abilities. 
• All the competitions in which he emerges victorious. 
• All the moments that the child is expecting with joy and enthusiasm: parties, Christmas and winter holidays, summer vacations, trips and hikes.
• All the events to which the child can participate in a useful way, in a way that highlights his capabilities to make other people happy: birthdays of grandparents and parents, birthdays of brothers and sisters.

How : 

Step 1 Unless your child competes in that activity, assign him a role, a responsibility which suit his interests and skills (Make by himself a gift. Prepare or decorate a birthday cake. Draw a greeting card. Draw the places you’ve visitedtogether. Write to Santa Claus tips on how he can protect himself from the cold or some secret recipes for teas. Explain to others participants to a trip things what he has already learned about the place you are going to visit).

Step 2 Take pictures of your child doing his « job » !

Step 3 Congratulate your child or thank him!

Step 4 Whenever you have the opportunity, praise your child with realism to other family members, friends, relatives, neighbours.

Step 5 Collect in a box all the pictures, all the medals, diplomas, objects, drawings, all the evidences of what your child has achieved. 

Step 6 When your child is facing difficult moments, reopen the box. Take out some objects and ask your child to tell you the story of that drawing, of that picture, of that medal. Help your child to reactivate the memory of all thosehappy events where he was strong, smart and joyful. 

Parent’s work and a child’s self-confidence seem two areas with absolutely no connection between them. What if weconnect these areas? –  We can make your work easier, we can save your time, by better using children’s needs, to test and improve their abilities. 

Principles : 

1. Ask the child to do only what is adapted to his age and abilities (A task too difficult, can be dangerous. It brings frustration, decreased motivation and self-confidence. A task too easy might be boring and would not increase the child’s self-confidence) 

2. Do not ask the child for more than 3 types of home chores / day. Too many different chores do not allow the child to focus on what he is doing.  Too many different chores do not allow the child to value what he does, do not let the child the time required to observe what he has accomplished, to enjoy the results.

3. Don’t claim perfection every time. Of course keeping the house clean is very important. But this time the goal is to increase the child’s self-confidence rather than obtain a perfectly antiseptic house.

4. Make sure you supervise any tasks involving potential dangers ! Children today handle tablets and iphoneseven before knowing how to walk. But it’s better not to overestimate their skills. Of course children will know how topress a button. All buttons and switches in the house. But children do not know what is behind these buttons, they do not know what are the potential dangers of these buttons.

How : 

Step 1 : Motivate the child : Explain to your child that you need his help ! 

Step 2 : Explain to the child what you want from him. For small children is necessary to spell out IN DETAIL all the actions. For example : hang up your clothes, pick up toys and books, etc. To an older child you may ask a GENERAL GOAL, a general objective and let him define and apply the tasks, the actions  needed to achieve that goal. 

Step 3 : If necessary, first demonstrate to your child how to do that chore.

Step 4 : Encourage the child  to focus his attention on the goal.  If necessary supervise your child’s work and advise him. 

Step 5 : Every time the child has completed his chore thank him or tell him a few words of appreciation. 

Step 6 : Praise your child to other family members, friends and neighbours. Tell everyone how proud you are of your child, how diligent and skilful he is. 

Suggested chores for different ages

You know better what your child is able and interested to do. These are only a few suggestions.  

2-3 year-olds 

• Pick up toys and books.
• Put clothes on clothes hooks or in the dirty washing basket.
• Wash fruits and vegetables
• dust

4-5 year-olds

• Under supervision, help with meal preparation and service (tear the lettuce, make a bowl of cereal, set and clean up the table, break eggs, knead the dough, add some ingredients, etc)  
• Water flowers.
• Make own bed and wipe down surfaces
•  Match socks 
• sort white clothes from dark clothes for laundry 
• Prepare with a parent the Sunday morning breakfast.

6-8 year-olds

• Water the garden and indoor plants.
• Take care of pets.
• Take out the rubbish.
• Wash dishes.
• Under supervision, help with meal preparation and serving (make simple recipes, wash and cut vegetables, whips eggs or cream) 

1. Daily, highlight the good things the child has done.

2. Trust in what the child can do and be careful at your attitude, your body language.

3. Offer to your child, each day the opportunity to do something which put him in a good light.

4. Use difficult moments, or fearfull moments to help the child to fight and be victoriuos.

5. Give to your child the possibility to mend, to rectify all his mistakes.